Single Ladies (Put a Chainring On It)

August 8, 2010
Total mileage:  2,022

When we were young and available, a friend and I decided Mr. Right was waiting at the local chapter of the Sierra Club.  He would be an outdoorsman like the Marlboro man, only with healthy lungs, or so we thought.  We pulled on our best hiking boots and clomped to the monthly meeting, whereupon our hopes were tragically dashed.  Only two of the members were male, one of them married and the other angry about everything environmental.

Now that I’m older and wiser (and also attached), I wish to direct all the single ladies to their local bicycle club as the proper place to meet men.  There you will find that males outnumber females about two-to-one, and those men are healthy and happy.

Beware–many of them will be married.  But some of them are single and looking for love.  That means you–with a little bit of effort–can fill the void in both your lives.

Herewith is a user’s guide to meeting males through cycling.  Ladies, to paraphrase Beyonce´, you must “put a chainring on it.”  You must be willing to break into a sweat.  If you are willing to work physically at finding a mate, not just emotionally, you will find your man waiting  for you on a Brooks saddle.  These are the recommended steps.  Following them isn’t going to be easy, but then the course of true love never did run smooth.

1.  Get a bike.  It doesn’t need to be anything fancy, but should be in good working order and not some piece of junk you got on sale at the grocery store because it was part of the summer picnic display (like my first bike).  Borrow one if you have to.

2.  Start riding.  Put some miles on your legs.  You should be able to ride at least 50 miles in a day.  You don’t have to ride fast, but you need to finish without becoming a blubbering fool.  This will put you in shape for your next step.

3.  Sign up for a ride that involves an overnight stay, preferably inside a gymnasium because camping makes it more difficult to meet people.  Gyms are best because they allow you to put yourself on display for everyone walking to the restrooms, nightly meetings, etc.

Potential weapons for your arsenal

4.  At the end of the first day of your ride, place your kit in a high traffic area of the gym.  The space just outside the men’s locker room is ideal.  On your sleeping bag, you must display at least one and preferably all of the following:

• The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Bicycle Maintenance and Repair ($3.29 used on Amazon).

• Bicycling magazine’s “Buyer’s Guide,” latest edition (available at bookstores everywhere).

• It’s Not About the Bike by Lance Armstrong.  An acceptable alternative to this title is Bob Roll’s The Tour de France Companion.

Arrange your body and these publications artfully on your sleeping bag, with the titles  facing away from you.  Set up a folding chair next to the sleeping bag, and wait.

So, single ladies, if you’re athletic and don’t mind breaking into a sweat for a chance at true love, take up bicycling.  You won’t regret it.